THOUGHTS

I AM SITTING HERE ALONE, JUST THINKING. THERE IS NO TV RECEPTION, NO ONE ELSE IS AWAKE BUT MYSELF. I AM THINKING ABOUT LIFE. I AM REMEMBERING MY LIFE IN BITS AND PIECES. IT IS FUNNY HOW YOU CAN GO MANY MONTHS SOMETIMES YEARS WITHOUT THINKING OF WHERE YOU ARE GOING AND WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN. SOMETIMES I GET IN THESE MOMENTS AND ALMOST FEEL AS IF I AM DOUBTING WHERE I AM AND WHERE I AM HEADED. 

I AM THINKING TO MYSELF, I AM ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD. MAN, THAT REALLY HURTS ME TO SAY THOSE WORDS. I MUST REALIZE THAT I CAN'T TAKE BACK TIME. IT IS

 WHEN I THINK OF THAT (CAN'T TAKE BACK TIME), THAT I REALLY ANALYZE MY LIFE CLOSER.

I LOOK AT MY SIBLINGS LIVES AND THEN I TRY AND COMPARE THEM TO MINE. IT IS FUNNY HOW MUCH WE ARE ALIKE AND HOW MUCH WE ARE DIFFERENT. TIME HAS FLOWN BY SO FAST. I STILL FEEL LIKE I JUST GOT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL. THE ONLY THING DIFFERENT IS NOW I AT LEAST CAN HAVE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH TO DO A FEW THINGS WITH, KINDA TREAT MYSELF TO A MEAL IN A LITTLE DINER ON OCCASION. I STILL FEEL GUILTY THOUGH WHEN I DO THINGS. I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH WHEN IT CAME TO MATERIAL THINGS WHEN I WAS GROWING UP. I WENT THROUGH A PERIOD WERE I THOUGHT CLOTHES AND THINGS WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY, BUT THEY DON'T (WELL NOT 100%). IT DOES FEEL GOOD TO GET SOME NEW DUDS. 

I GOT A LATE START IN MY COLLEGE CAREER. GETTING TO DO WHAT I REALLY WANTED. I FINISHED IN 1996, DECEMBER IT WAS. TWENTY SIX YEARS OLD. I THOUGHT I WAS A PROFESSIONAL STUDENT. I ALSO FELT I LOST A FEW GOOD YEARS THAT I COULD HAVE MADE A LOT OF MONEY. I DIDN'T LISTEN TO MY PLAN OF LIFE. I SAID I WAS GONNA LIVE AT HOME AND SAVE MONEY SO THAT I COULD PUT A LARGE DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOUSE AND PAY IT OFF SOONER. WELL, I DIDN'T AND I FOUND MYSELF IN A LARGE, EXTRA LARGE DEBT. THE DEBT WAS ALSO BECAUSE OF MY FIRST LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.  I WAS YOUNG AND NIEVE, THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD LAST FOREVER. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT PUTTING BILLS IN MY NAME AND 

PAYING OFF MEDICAL BILLS THAT WERE NOT MINE, WOULD END UP ADDING UP TO THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. INTEREST ON CREDIT CARDS KEPT GETTING HIGHER AND HIGHER. PAYING MINIMAL PAYMENTS ON MANY CARDS AND LOANS WAS GETTING ME DEEPER IN DEBT. CONSUMER CREDIT COUNSELING SERVICE TOLD ME TO FILE BANKRUPTCY, BUT I REFUSED. I STARTED TRAVEL NURSING SOON AFTER THAT AND WENT DOWN A ROAD OF WORKING MANY HOURS, SKIMMING BY ON FOOD AND MANY OTHER THINGS IN LIFE. THIS WAS THE LOWEST PART OF MY LIFE SO FAR. IT WAS ALSO A TIME OF GREAT JOY. IT TOOK ME BACK TO WHEN I WAS YOUNG. I ALWAYS WAS ONE TO PAY ATTENTION TO NATURE. JUST ME AND MOTHER NATURE. I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ALONE IN MY LIFE AND I HAD TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF. IT WAS TIMES ALONE WITH NATURE THAT HELPED ME MAKE IT THROUGH. I WOULD SPEND MUCH TIME ALONE, JUST WALKING IN THE WOODS OR THE PARK IF I COULDN'T GET GAS MONEY TO GO FAR. I SPENT ALL MY FREE TIME DOING STUFF. WHEN  I WAS AWAY FROM HOME IN COLORADO, I HAD A ROOMMATE WHICH HELPED A LOT. WE WERE TWO PEAS IN A POD, BOTH BROKE AND ABLE TO WORK AT LEAST. WE HELPED GET EACH OTHER THROUGH REALLY TIGHT TIMES TOGETHER. I SPENT ALMOST THREE YEARS IN COLORADO. IT WAS ALSO A GREA TIME OF DISCOVERY. AN END TO ONE RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS GOING NOWHERE, TO MANY FRIENDS AND EXPERIENCES. IT WAS DURING MY

 LAST YEAR IN COLORADO THAT I TRIED NUDE ACTIVITIES. THIS WAS A WONDERFUL WAY FOR ME TO FEEL AT ONE WITH NATURE. IT WAS THE BEST AND MOST RELAXING WAY OF BEING AT PEACE. I LEFT COLORADO NOT THINKING OF BEING AWAY THAT LONG. I REALLY THOUGHT THAT I WOULD RETURN THERE, BUT HERE I AM SIX YEARS LATER ONLY THINKING OF IT IN MEMORY AND PICTURES. I HOPE TO RETURN THERE SOMETIME AND WORK AGAIN AT LEAST FOR A FEW MONTHS. I LEFT AND STARTED WORKING VIRGINIA NEAR ROANOKE, I LIVED WITH MY DEAR FRIEND TRACY MADDUX. I ENDED UP STAYING THERE FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS. IT WAS A FUN TIME. I THEN LEFT THERE AND WENT TO DELAWARE. I SPENT ABOUT SIX MONTHS IN DELAWARE AT THE BEACH. I ALSO HAD A SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIP THAT REALLY MADE ME SEE A DIFFERENT SIDE OF MYSELF, THE DEMON WITHIN. IT BROUGHT OUT FEELINGS I WAS AFRAID TO HAVE, IT SCARED ME TO KNOW THAT RAGE OF THAT INTENSITY COULD COME FROM ME. I THEN WENT TO COOKEVILLE TENNESSEE AND WORKED FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS. I THEN TOOK TIME OFF TO BE WITH MY FATHER AS HE WAS PASSING WITH CANCER. THIS WAS A TIME IN LIFE THAT I CHANGED THE WAY I LIVED. I ALWAYS LIVED FOR THE MOMENT, BUT WHEN I SAW HIM SLIP AWAY, I REALLY LIVED LIFE IN THE MOMENT. MY NEW MOTTO WAS, STOP AND DO IT NOW, CAUSE YOU MAY NOT GET TO GO DOWN THIS SAME ROAD AGAIN. IN OTHER WORDS, STOP AND SMELL T

HE ROSES. I FOUND IN THE MAN THAT I HATED THE MOST FOR ALMOST MY ENTIRE LIFE, WAS THE ONE MAN THAT I WAS MOST LIKE. OUT OF THE FIVE OF US, I WAS MORE LIKE HIM IN MANY WAYS. WE LOOK A LOT ALIKE, WHICH USED TO PISS ME OFF SO BAD. WE LIKED MANY OF THE SAME THINGS, DRIVING PLACES, FLOWERS, SO MANY LITTLE THINGS, IT WAS SCARY. THE ONE THING IS WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET BACK ANY TIME. HE IS GONE NOW, WE MADE UP BEFORE HE PASSED AWAY. I FORGAVE HIM IN 1996 THROUGH GOD, BUT I NEVER FORGAVE HIM TO HIS FACE UNTIL HE WAS ALMOST GONE. HE TALKED TO ME A BIT ABOUT THE PAST AND HE NEVER BROUGHT UP SPECIFICS, I JUST TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE PAST AND I LOVED HIM, HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME TO. IT WAS COMFORTING, BUT SAD. HE PASSED REALLY FAST. AFTER HE PASSED I LEFT TO GO TO DELAWARE AGAIN. I STAID FOR THREE MONTHS AND THEN WENT TO CONNECTICUT. WHEN I WAS IN DELAWARE, I MET THE PERSON I CALL MY SOUL-MATE. I HAVE NEVER FELT AT EASE WITH ANOTHER PERSON COMPLETELY BEFORE HIM. HE CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER. IF IT WASN'T FOR THE TIMING OF HIM, I WOULD HAVE BECOME A HARDENED OLD MAN. I WAS AT THE POINT THAT I HATED THE THOUGHTS OF HAVING TO TALK TO A MAN ON A PERSONAL LEVEL. I ALMOST HAD A COMPLETE WALL BUILT AROUND MY HEART. AFTER I LEFT CONNECTICUT, I WENT BACK TO DELAWARE AND WORKED FOR ANOTHER YEAR AND THEN I WENT TO FLORIDA TO WORK FOR A FEW WEEKS. THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW I AM WORKING BETWEEN TENNESSEE AND CALIFORNIA. WHICH BRINGS ME TO WHERE I AM TODAY. 

YOU PROBABLY SAY WOW, HOW DID WE GO FROM LOOKING AT YOUR LIFE T

O THIS. WELL I LOOK BACK AT ALL THE YEARS I HAVE SPENT AWAY FROM MY FAMILY IN VIRGINIA AND I JUST WONDER, WHAT IF I WOULD HAVE STAID THERE AND NEVER WENT TO THE PLACES I HAVE GONE. IF I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A REGULAR JOB LIKE ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS AND FAMILY. WHERE WOULD I BE IN THE RAT RACE OF LIFE. I FEEL SAD WHEN I SEE MY FAMILY AND THEIR KIDS. I SOMETIMES FEEL AS IF I MISSED OUT ON HAVING MY OWN KIDS. I REALLY WANTED KIDS AND SOMETIMES THINK THAT I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ONE NOW. THEN I ALSO LOOK AT HOW WONDERFUL MY LIFE IS WITH MIKE. WE HAVE SEEN SO MUCH. WE TRAVEL ALOT. MY ABILITY TO DO TRAVEL NURSING ACROSS THE US HAS ALSO GIVIEN ME MUCH FLEXIBILITY WITH WORKING AND TRAVELING. I FEEL THAT MY LIFE HAS BEEN RICH IN SEEING THE US. I LOVE TO TAKE BACK ROADS AND SEE THINGS THAT MOST WOULD MISS BECAUSE OF TIME RESTRAINTS ON THERE VACATIONS. I HAVE BEEN ON A VACATION SINCE 2001. I TOOK MY WATCH OFF IN MAY 2001 WHEN I STARTED TRAVEL NURSING WITH MY FRIEND BECKY AND I SAID I WOULDN'T PUT ON

E BACK ON UNTIL I STOPPED AND STARTED WORKING REGULAR WORK AGAIN. SO FAR I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO BALANCE VACATIONING WITH A SEMI-REGULAR LIFE. I FEEL I HAVE MISSED MANY THINGS AT HOME, BUT WHEN I WAS THERE, I ALSO MISSED MANY THINGS WITH THE FAMILY, BECAUSE I HAD TO WORK SO MUCH. THIS IS THE PART I ANALYZE THE MOST. DID I GIVE UP TO MUCH TO HAVE THE LIFE I HAVE, WELL, WHEN I BREAK IT DOWN. I FEEL THAT I HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE AND NO MATTER WHAT PATH I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN, GOD WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME A WONDERFUL LIFE. THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. I AM SORRY THAT I 

HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GIVE MY MOTHER BACK ALL THAT I THINK SHE DESERVES, BUT I LET HER KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. I HOPE SHE NEVER DOUBTS THAT LOVE. I LOOK BACK AND SEE MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT HELPED ME GET THROUGH THIS LIFE SO FAR, BUT SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO GET ME AND MY SIBLINGS THROUGH TO ADULTHOOD. SHE DESERVES THE BEST MOM AWARD. HERE I AM FINISHING THIS UP IN CALIFORNIA, THINKING OF WHAT THE REST OF THE YEAR IS GOING TO BE LIKE, THANK GOD IT CHANGES DAILY. I LIKE CHANGE, IT KEEPS ME  YOUNG, EVEN THOUGH I AM NOW AN OLD MAN.